Broken Toys
by witchling
Summary: Max and Alec are really just two broken toys in a broken world. just some stuff that I thought needed to be dealt with, that really wasn't in season2 Oneshot.


A/N: I'm not dead. Promise. I have been a teeeeny bit awol. Oops. But in all fairness I did warn you. So here's something new, a oneshot about desperation. Now some of you see this as romantic and I'm not going to tell you you're wrong... but you're not right. Maybe you see what I mean, maybe you don't. And maybe you do see, but disagree. Anyway, tell me what you think, I'm always interested in comments/questions/concerns for my mental health. And Ever the Same IS still on my "To Do" list, it just happens to be a very long list at the moment. Sorry, but patience may pay off. So with that I believe my ramble is complete... uh ok not mine yadda yadaa, no money being made etc, donations appreciated HA... man am I funny tonight. Anywho... ignore the weirdness above and enjoy.

Max swallowed the pills. It was easier to do once the last attack had worn off, but she knew they were far from over. Tonight was going to be a long one. She knew something was wrong. She had taken her pills religiously, just in case and still, not yet three months out of Manticore and she was seizing. She put the pill bottle down and lay down on the couch. It was warm and soft.

Internally Max was a ball of frustration. One would think that a visit to that hellhole would have been good for something. At least they could have fixed her boo boos, but no. Not Manticore. No siree. Months inside and she was still left with faulty wiring. She was a trifle bitter about it. She had gotten used to living life on her own. It wasn't particularly pleasant, but it had been a fact of her life since she was nine. She was alone. Yet she never felt more alone then when a seizure hit.

Max stopped. That wasn't true. She wasn't alone anymore.

Max gingerly put on her coat and walked out the door. Alec. Alec would know what to do. Alec could help.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alec woke instantly; the banging on his door had set his body on edge. He quickly threw on his boxers and walked into the living room. Whoever had come knocking at 3 am was a dead man. Alec opened his door.

Max stood in the doorframe. He was about to yell. He was NOT doing an EO mission tonight. No way, no how. But something in her expression stopped him. Her face was drawn and haggard, she looked tired. Or sick. They didn't get sick and Max rarely got tired.

"Alec I…" her voice died. She didn't know how to explain to him what she needed. Just coming over was a bad idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"What are you doing here?" He was curious, wary of her presence at 3 am. Mostly wary at her tired presence; she would usually be fired up and ready to go by the time she came to cajole him into doing whatever it was Logan wanted them to do.

"Uh. I..." All she could do now was look at him. She stared at him, hoping that he would yell and tell her to get out, or open the door to let her come in, anything. She needed him to do anything, to make the next move; she was too weak, too exhausted and too jaded to ask for his help with this.

Something was wrong. Alec knew it. He was many things, but stupid was not amongst them. Something tugged at the edge of his consciousness. Something about her face, about the way she held her body was familiar. Then he saw her hand shake.

The door swung open in front of her but before that could register he'd picked her up, delicately, as if she were a piece of glass that might shatter at any moment. He brought her into his bedroom and laid her down on his bed. Any other time that would have been an ass-kicking offense. She might have even killed him. But tonight all she felt was gratitude.

Alec stepped back from the woman on his bed. This was not a situation he'd ever been in before. Never had a woman come to his door at 3 am, for him to make her better. Playing doctor, like this, was not his specialty. He didn't know what to do. Normally Max would be screaming and hitting him if he touched her like this. Normally Max wouldn't have come to him at all.

"Maxie? What do you want me to do?" When in doubt, ask.

"I… I don't know. I never really thought about what you would do. I guess I only knew you could help. You've seen this before." She was confused. What did she want him to do? She'd already taken her pills before she left her place and there was nothing he really could do. "I'm sorry."

Yes, he'd seen this before. Children, scared, silently shaking in their beds hoping no one would notice; trying desperately to be good soldiers. He shook away the thoughts. Max was here now. And she needed him. He lay down beside her.

"Don't be sorry Maxie, just rest." He put her head on his chest, their bodies facing each other. His legs wrapped around hers, anchoring her to him. Alec knew that once the shaking started in earnest she would need the support. "Just relax Maxie, I'm here and I've got you. You're going to be fine."

His words were a relief. She had had no idea what she expected when he opened his door, but this was not it. It was incredible though, that he always knew exactly what she needed, often before she did. Max already felt drowsy, so she did as he said, relaxed into his arms, waiting.

"He used to hold me like this, you know. Pulled me into his bed and held me 'til morning. He would always ask if I wanted him to get anyone. I never did. Just him. He wrapped himself around me, like you are now, to buffer my body until the shaking stopped. It was the warmest I'd ever felt in my life."

Alec was shocked. This intimacy she was describing, this love, this tenderness, of someone else sent a shot of jealousy low in his belly. He knew Logan had seen her when she was seizing, but to have held her… it was too much. The jealousy was bone-deep, that this person, woman, that he clung to for all he was worth, the only one he had in the entire world, could ever have needed someone else, was unconscionable.

"He knew I didn't sleep; he did, but he often stayed up with me. Just the two of us in the quiet and peace that was nighttime. It was special. And he told the most wonderful stories. To help keep the nightmares away. I always enjoyed his shadow puppets. He was so creative, imaginative. It made me feel loved. He was the only one who had ever made me feel loved like that, fiercely, completely and without condition."

Alec felt the his insides tighten into a hard knot. This mystery man wasn't Logan. Creative? Imaginative? Certainly not. And the only stories Logan would tell someone were about corrupt police or government conspiracies. Not the type of stuff to keep nightmares away. The way she spoke, the emotion in her voice was so rich, so deep. He was the man to beat. The mystery man made Logan seem like nothing, no one in comparison. It made him a little nauseous to think of it. Alec needed so badly to have her approval, to be her number one, the person she turned to like he turned to her.

"I miss him so much Alec. So much. Of everyone who's ever left, I miss him the most. It was so long ago. I think I'll grieve for him forever."

"Forever's a long time Max. Too long." Alec was hurt by her statement. If she grieved for some nameless, faceless man forever he wouldn't even get a chance. As things stood, he couldn't compete with the living let alone a ghost. And he was trying so hard.

"I don't mean I'll grieve to the exclusion of everything else. I just mean… that he'll always be lost, and I'll always remember that." She said sadly. She'd always remember all of it and there was nothing she could do about that. It was almost worse that she couldn't remember him just as she wanted to, could not help but also see what he had become. Exactly how lost he had been.

"But that's okay Maxie. It's okay to remember people when they're gone, but you have to move on with your life. Embrace the living." He held her tightly, possessively.

"I know." It was ironic. 'embrace the living,' he'd said; and here he was, the literal living part of him, embracing her. Life had a funny way of working out. There was a long silence. Neither of them could think of something to say, and then she spoke, tenderly, "I love it when you call me Maxie."

To say Alec was surprised would be an understatement. She always told him not to call her that. 'Don't call me Maxie' could have been one of her catchphrases when it came to him, along with 'ass', "ALEC!' and 'I'm so gonna kick your ass'.

She saw his startled expression and smiled softly. Alec was something else. She was just taking her sweet time to figure out what else exactly.

"I know. I hated it at the beginning. It made me so angry to hear you say it. That voice. I'd look at you and it was all I could do not to slap that face right off of you. It was all I could do not to grab you and break down in tears. It was just so much safer to be angry. And you know me; emotional safety is big with me."

"What are you talking about Max?" His voice was stern with confusion. Clearly something here was going above his head. Grab him? Break down in tears? Grab him yes, he could see Max fighting herself to grab him, and then punch him in the head, but not the whole tears thing. He wondered where that had come from.

"I know I'm mean. I'm just so scared that it's going to happen all over again. And I can't." Max was desperate. She needed to tell him, needed to explain. If she didn't do it now then she wasn't sure she'd ever get up the courage again. She could feel the cold shiver creeping up her spine

"Happen again? Can't what Maxie? What are you talking about?"

"Alec I…" but a new round of seizures cut her off. He cradled her beside him. Alec looked at her; her big scared eyes, wide in helpless terror. He remembered the seizures. They were a nightmare of his childhood. He felt like that again, powerless. Alec knew the feeling of holding a unit mate, trying to ease his pain, trying in vain to keep the demons at bay.

"Listen Alec. It's imp…important. I know yo…you're not h…him. But you… you look just like him. At f---first he was all I could s…see. But now…now, you're j…just Alec. No…not B...Ben. Not Ben." The relief of saying that, of finally getting it off her chest allowed Max to concentrate on her seizure. She smiled. No he was not Ben.

Jesus! It was Ben! He was dumbfounded. The man she spoke about with such love, such tenderness was his own twin. No wonder she resented him at first! He was alive, while Ben was not. In her mind he was the wrong twin! The anger, bitterness and jealousy flooded his system. He would never get out from under the shadow of 493. Not in Manticore, and not with her; he was always going to be the wrong twin. Not only had he to compete with a ghost, but the ghost of his dead twin! But Ben was dead. And _he_ was here and he was helping now. Alec knew he'd do anything in his power to get her through this. Unfortunately it wasn't much.

"Ssh, Maxie. It's okay. You're safe. I'm here." He pulled her as close as he could; to take as much of her pain inside his own body as possible. The only thing he could do for her was embrace her until the seizures passed. "Let me hold you. Just let me hold you like he did Maxie." It left a sour taste in his mouth to ask such a thing. He never wanted to be second place. Especially to Ben. Especially with Max.

She knew it was silly to fear the non-existent guards. Nonetheless, the panic remained and only his scent and the feel of him beside her helped. It had been so long since she had let herself go, but his words set her at ease. The idea that she was protected and Alec would watch over her floated through her mind. She let the tremors take over secure in the knowledge that everything would be fine. She was safe.

All Alec could do was watch as her small body shook and trembled. He cooed soft words, and held her and hoped that it would be enough. He knew that she probably hadn't heard any of it and for the most part she was unconscious, but it made him feel useful. It was a hard thing, watching someone you loved be in pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it. She had already taken the tryptophan and now all he could do was wait.

When the last round of shudders left her body, Max fell into a deep sleep. Alec just lay there. Some masochistic part of his brain wondered which twin she was thinking about. Was it him? Or 493? Ben. She had struggled so hard to explain that she didn't see him as Ben anymore. It had better damn well be him.

Alec found it was impossible to sleep with everything going on in his head. Ben. Logan. Max. His Maxie. Anyway, sleeping was not his mission just now. He was on watch. It was his mission to make certain that she was okay, to ensure that she woke up tomorrow, as so many of them had not. It wasn't a hard job, but it was all-important. Even with everything between them at the moment, or not between them as the case may be, he was gratified that she had let him do this for her. For this she had come to him.


End file.
